Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Over emphasis of forgiveness for the offender overshadows the victims.

I want to continue sharing my journey as I am working on healing from being sexually abused and tortured at the age of 4 yrs old and now I am 50 yrs old. My story the in between, the messy part of healing from child sexual abuse. If my story can help just one person, then I have fulfilled my purpose here on earth.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what forgiveness really means. I think many don't really understand what forgiveness really means. We hear the words we need to forgive with very little understanding.
Over emphasis of forgiveness for the offender overshadows the victims. Don’t we have an obligation to victims, many of them voiceless who don’t have the resources to stand against abusers? Is this not the way the world gets safer? How much compassion and respect for life do we really have through this avoidance? It’s time to reframe forgiveness. To understand that the compassionate thing to do is not to let wrong-doers off the hook

Forgiveness  is not going to be the same for everyone.Here are 2 different scenarios,in my life towards forgiveness.

My dad was very abusive towards me. Daily beatings, he would beat me many times until I would pass out. I was able to forgive him while I was still in my 20's. When I no longer lived at home,the beatings stopped.He would come to visit me a lot and talk about his upbringing and it was very violent. He treated me the same way his dad treated him and because of my understanding of that and realizing he couldn't give me something that he didn't have to give. He did try to make it up to me. But, he had a lot of healing to do himself and he had to learn to forgive himself and love himself first. But at least he tried. He's dead now.He lost his life due to a work related accident. Im glad he shared his story with me it helped me eventually heal from the abuse I endured by his hands. But it did affect my life in a very negative way for a very long time.
I loved my dad. Even though I forgave him,I still hate the things he did to me. I will never look upon those memories all fluffy and with love. What he did to me was wrong,period.

 I just recently learned how to forgive my mom,and I am now 50 yrs old. She has not ever admitted to doing anything wrong. She wasn't so much physically abusive as she was emotionally and mentally abusive. She was a very good manipulator and liar. She was good at keeping my focus on my dad as being the bad guy and she was the poor victim in all of it. I received many beatings from my dad because of her lying and manipulation. I have a sister and 2 brothers who don't like me because of her lies. My mom is not the type of person who will take blame for anything,it is everyone's else fault.she will cover her tracks of what an awful mother she is. She talked very negatively and told many lies about me to family, friends and my oldest son.
I also know my mom was afraid of me, not afraid that I would do anything physical because I wouldn't. Afraid in the sense I would call her out on her lies and I didn't even do that in a mean way. I just wanted  to know why she would lie about me. She didn't like I saw right through her manipulation games.
Recently I forgave her, I don't feel nothing towards her only sad for her and that is it.

In each of these instances I eventually forgave and the forgiveness did not come before my healing. But the scars are still there and I am relearning a lot of things I was taught that actually where false and that is a journey in itself. I am Discovering who I really am and not the version of who they said I was.

I had to walk away from my family five plus years ago. Because while I am trying to move forward,my mom's sister tried to put me back into that box because that made them feel more comfortable. The more I climbed out of their box and was becoming my own  person the more they tried to manipulate me and lie to others. Because I know if I climbed out of the box and see things for what they really were,the truth just might be exposed and they were too comfortable in their darkness. I was the scapegoat for the family. No one every had to take responsibility for their actions,they just blamed it on me. Do I care anymore if they are still using me as a scapegoat or lying about me? Absolutely not.

So far on my road to forgiveness this what I have learned about forgiveness;

There is no quick fix to forgiveness. It is a process and some wounds heal faster than others.

Before I can forgive,I have to first learn to love myself and forgive myself for the past. Makes no sense to forgive others first. Like I have heard so many times, how can you love others if you don't love yourself? So that is why my healing comes above all others.

The need to remove toxic people so I can sort out the truth vs their lies of me.
Because they will try to keep me down at their level. Because that is where they feel comfortable.

Even after I am ready to forgive,the wounds can still be there and they need to be healed.

So, when you truly want to heal from the past,I believe you need to take forgiveness off the table and focus on your healing first.

I am going to be writing another article on this subject and write about where I am at in my forgiveness process with a few others.

I leave you with these powerful quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr. who thoroughly understood the detriment of staying quiet and inactive, and encouraged others to take a stand against what they thought was wrong, so as to save others from needless suffering at the hands of the ignorant and cruel and unconscious, while necessarily being true to themselves.

Martin Luther King, Jr. Quotes:
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.”
“I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.”
“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”
“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.”
“History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”
“The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.”

Monday, March 14, 2016

Social Services ‪#‎DDS‬ ‪#‎CPS‬ of South Dakota think they are above the law

I have received many emails and PM's asking about my grand daughter. For the ones that don't know what has been happening, my grand daughter has been abused by the step- grandparent and possibly being molested by the grandfather.
I decided it was best not to talk about it too much here and on my blog lately. Because the hounds of hell and their followers are watching. I am still actively fighting for my grand daughter and going through the proper channels and getting the help to truly help her. The hounds of hell and their followers are manipulating and lying to somebody of the state of South Dakota. But, once this person finds out the truth, this person will not want to be associated with these people.
 If this person values their career they will not want to be associated with abusers or defending them. i would have no problem exposing this person to the public. Lori Fredericken and Lynne A Valenti Cabinet Secretary from the Dept. Social Services ‪#‎DDS‬ ‪#‎CPS‬ of South Dakota think they are above the law and think they are getting away with their lies and manipulation, as does the hound of hell and their followers. But, I'm hear to tell you, your NOT and your day of reckoning is upon you. My grand daughter deserves to live without fear and she will know she matters. She has a grandparent and many people she will know of that really care.. I am so sick of abusers getting away with abusing our children and it needs to end. Enough is Enough Already.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Our first GIVEAWAY winners March 13 2016

Our first GIVEAWAY winners March 13 2016. The winner in the #1 spot will choose 1 of the 4 gifts. #2 #3 and #4  let me know your 1st choose, 2nd, 3rd and 4th chose. As soon as everyone contacts me I will put the jewelry piece/ gift by your name. You can contact me through FB message or

1. Angelica Keller
2. Lori Cook
3. Tabitha Mclerran
4. Carol Nichols

My story the in between, the messy part of healing from child sexual abuse

I want to share my journey as I am working on healing from being sexually abused and tortured at the age of 4 yrs old and now I am 50 yrs old.
I believe I still have a lot to learn about being a survivor of child sexual abuse. Something I noticed every time I think I am over the trauma,something creeps up and shows me I am not over it. The first thing I want to do every time this happens is focus on forgiving this person,like that is the answer to my healing. But, i am starting to think that forgiving this person, is not the solution to my healing. My healing is going to come from within me,not from the person who violated me. I don't like sexual predators. I don't like being told to forgive them and maybe I should understand that maybe they were sexually molested as a child. I don't care,it does not make it right. I didn't do this to anyone nor could I conceive doing this to another human being. I don't get angry with others anymore when they tell me I need to forgive or get over it. I don't completely understand how to deal with the trauma and I don't expect anyone to understand it either.

The trauma of what happened to me as a child affected my life negatively for many many years. This kind of trauma can take many many years to heal from. I am not a victim of child abuse anymore. I don't feel shame or guilt and I definitely know it was not my fault. It took me a long time to figure out where the shame and guilt came from that I felt for a very long time.Once I figured out where it came from I was able to move on from that. Just like I had to realize it was not my fault what happened to me.

I don't like sexual predators. I don't care if they were molested in childhood. I don't  care if they feel any shame or guilt for what they did and they should feel shame and guilt for what they did or are doing. I have no love in my heart for these people and I am not going to be focusing on forgiving them. Because I need to heal from the trauma of what they did to my life and how it affected my life. My forgiveness of them is not of any importance to me. So forgiveness is off the table and it is all about me and my well being.

I use to believe I needed to forgive them over what was best for me or I would not be able to have a good life. Well that is not true, I have a very nice life now and I work hard to get to where I am at now. I feel very blessed and grateful for my life and my past experiences have been able to teach me a lot about who I am and what I can do, and how I can be a blessing to others.

So I don't believe this has anything to do with if I forgive this sexual predator or not. I could be wrong but maybe I am not. I don't like sexual predators they need to be exposed and we need to stop feeling unashamed and guilty about what they did to us. They need to feel the shame and guilt for what they did. And these predators need to be exposed for the filthy, disgusting acts they do against a child. Sexual abuse needs not be such a taboo subject and victims/survivors should not be told to get over it,just move on,or you need to forgive. It is a process and that process might take years. There is no quick fix.We as survivors, are entitled to move on, get over it and forgive when we are ready,and no one should tell us differently. I still hate the person who molested me. what he did to me is disgusting. He's dead now and honestly I hope he is in hell burning for what he did to me. That is how I feel today, I might not tomorrow. I am going to feel everything and not put on a smile and pretend it is fine and I am over it. It's a process and I am going to give myself as much time as I need with no time limit.

I am a strong woman today and I love me just right where I am. I am not perfect nor will I try to be something I am not any more for anybody. I am just going to do me because that is all I know how to do.

Will I ever have complete resolution, I don't know. But, I will not worry about tomorrow.

And that is my story the in between, the messy part of healing from victim to hopefully victory or maybe I have the victory and I am still  healing from the trauma I endured.

I know forgiveness is not...

Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.

Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice.

Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.

Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me."

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with them again.

Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive.  - Sandra Schell Geiss

"I think there are two parts to the forgiveness equation; the resentment and anger part that eats us, and the absolving the abuser/perp or controlling person of responsibility. I let go of the resentment when I finally understood that just because I was taught that the responsibility was MINE, didn't mean that was true. BUT I do not absolve 'them' of responsibility for what they did."Darlene Ouimet Emerging From Broken; the Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Friday, March 11, 2016

First International Bank & Trust Williston North Dakota

I got a personal phone call from bank teller today to keep my mouth shut. So this is the only reason I am posting this.

A Month ago I went to First First International Bank & Trust at Cash Wise to close my husbands and my account that got hacked. I was told my husband and I would have to do this together. But my husband was able to go there and do it himself, and open a new account. I had to jump through hoops to get my name back on the account and the bank teller at Cash Wise said, your husband said he doesn't want you on the account. That made me and my husband mad. I called the head bank and talked to Amy and told her what was going on and told her we are going to close our account. She assured me this kind of incident would not happen again and reconsider closing our account and go to the main bank instead. So I went to the main bank and told them what was said, they couldn't believe it. Anyway, I got my name back on the account. So, I went back to Cash Wise bank and told the bank teller off. A Few days later my husband went to that bank and the bank teller lady took him in her little office and told on me, plus lied. My husband and I are 50 yrs old. So, we know each other pretty well. So, he knew she was lying. So again I told her off and said that was uncalled for. These incidents have been going on for A month now, we usually avoid going to the Cash Wise bank. Except for yesterday, thinking the bank teller drama queen is over it by now. No, shes still at it. My husband was getting money from the bank and this same bank teller say to him did Molly from the bank call you. This is not the first time she asked him that and the answer has always been NO. So, she calls this Molly, thinking my husband is going to stand there and wait until Molly answers the phone. Needless to say my husband walked away and left.
My husband and I have never been treated so poorly at a bank before. All because of some drama queen bank teller at First International Bank & Trust at Cash Wise. Needless to say we are closing our account. When I was at the main bank they told me they have been getting complaints about the rudeness at the Cash Wise bank.