Monday, January 18, 2016

Part 2 My abusive marriage to my now ex and now my granddaughter is being abused



This is what I wrote to my children. I knew there would be a day I would tell my children the truth. But, they where to young at the time to understand. Now they are all grown and on there own. I could see how their childhood was affecting them just like my childhood affected me. It took me almost a lifetime to realize how it affected me. But, once I accepted the truth it set me free and that is what I want for my children. Writing this to them was very hard, I didn't want to and it was hard for me reliving this time of my life.

I want to tell you guys the truth of what really happened between me and Dean. I knew there would be a day I would, but I needed to heal first from the past, and it has taken me a long time. However, I don't want to leave this earth letting you guys think I was a monster. Straight up, your dad lied to you guys and continues to do so.

I grew up with two parents who bashed each other all of the time. I understand now how that impacted my life, and how it has, and is affecting, your guys life.

I know I have told you some of this stuff before, but please continue to read.

The main reason I married your dad is because I wanted my son David with me. When I moved away from my parents home, my mom wouldn't let me take David. So I came up with the bright ideal to marry your dad. Your dad used to ask me to marry him many times, and yes, we where both drunk on these occasions. But one night, I said yes. He didn't know the reason why I wanted to marry him. I don't know if he ever realized that or not. But, I did realize what I was doing was wrong the day I married Dean.

Once I agreed to marry him, everything changed. He became mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Now, this is just what I think, I don't know for sure. I learned over the years that my mom and Dean talked to each other on a regular basis. My mom has always told lies about me and made me out to be a monster to anyone that would listen. Dean did this as well. Did my mom influence him to be that way to me or would he have been that way to me no matter what? I will probably never know. ( Edited: It did influence him, just like how Dean influence shaped how you guys treated me. )

I believe your dad knew I really didn't actually love him. I know he was jealous of my relationship with David. We fought about it all of the time. He treated him very poorly, and the more I defended David, the worst things became. I left him on several occasions, as I couldn't allow him to do what he was doing to David. I would go to my mom for help, which didn't work, so I would go back to Dean.

I thought that by us having children together, it would make things better. I really loved being a mom; you guys where my life. But, your dad told me repeatedly that if I left him, I would never see my kids again.

Then the day came when my mom and Dean didn't like each other anymore. My mom had told him that he needed to take some responsibility for the part he played in the marriage.

For these two people, if they didn’t like someone, you better not like them either. Both of them constantly badgered me to see how rotten the other was, and they wouldn’t stop for anything. This continued on for  years. They practically said the same thing to me. He/she doesn't care about you, can't you see this. I never sided with either one of them because I knew they would be more then happy to tell the other one that I didn't care about them, and I didn't want to deal with that as well.

I did blame all of it on myself. If I could just be the perfect wife and daughter, this ugliness would stop. I read everything that I could, trying to learn how to be a good person. I know now that the way they were had everything to do with them, and not with me.

The thing with Dean, every time he was mean to me or David, he would be on the phone with someone, letting them know what a monster I was. My mom always did this to me.They took the truth and twisted it. They would right down lie. I would always have  people come up to me  say the strangest things to to me. That was how I seen it at the time, and then one day it just hit me. I was with Dean at the time and I said to him, it's was you. He just kind of laughed.

While we lived in Minot, I had sunk in to a deep depression because of all the madness that went on, and when Dean molested Britney. It took me into a very dark place. I had suppressed  those memories of what happened to me as a young girl. I couldn't go to the church for help, because Dean had already been there, letting them know what a monster I was. I couldn't go to my mom, because she was always telling me that I needed to leave Dean. ( Edited: Even tho the day I was going to marry Dean I told my mom I couldn't marry him. She told me I had to because of all the money it cost her.) I wanted a solution to make the marriage work and to be happy.

But I realized our marriage was never going to get better. I knew Dean was always going to treat me and David poorly. Dean had told too many lies and never owned up to what he had done. I told him many times that you can't fix lies.

My depression eventually became so bad that I wanted to commit suicide. I just couldn't live like that anymore. I felt there was no where to turn, I just wanted the pain to end. The really sad part was that I wanted to take you guys with me. I didn't want you guys with Dean and I was terrified you would end up with my family. I thought about it for days on how I would do it. Then finally I called my mom and just broke down. My mom told Gary what was happening, and in turn, Gary called me. He told me that they where coming down and moving us to Mandan. He said don't worry about it, we have it all figured out. So they came down with a Uhaul and off to Mandan we went.

But, things never got any better. Now I had to deal with my mom. She made sure to let me know how pathetic I was all of the time. Then Dean was calling all of the time to let me know that I was going to hell for leaving him. There a was point in time I stopped allowing Dean to come and stay with us, because he tried to burn David with hot water.

I was receiving food stamps and housing. Then one day a social worker came to see me and told me that I needed to file papers to collect child support. If I didn’t, I would lose the food stamps and housing. This made Dean very angry. I didn't know then, but I figure it out. Dean told me that if I would move back to Minot, his mom would help get us a home. He told me not to worry, as he would not live there with us. He just wanted to live near his kids.

Eventually, I finally decided to do it. After getting to Minot, he said we would just have to stay with him for just a bit, until all the arrangements were taken care of. The day we moved in with Dean, I knew it was all a lie. He told me if I wanted a place to live, I had better start looking. However, he hounded me continuously about calling Ward County to stop the child support. He would remind me about how much trouble I would get in if I didn't since the kids were living with him.

The abuse of David and me had became even worse now. I couldn't go to my family for help because they where hurt and angry with me for going back. At one point, Dean went to jail for domestic abuse, since the neighbors called the police. I know you guys remember some of it. Dean was running around the apartment naked, and then punched a hole in the wall.

Dean had a real perverted side to him. I am sorry, but it was very disgusting, and that behavior was getting worse. If I needed the car, he would put the keys down his pants. The only way I could get the keys was to go down his pants and take them. I never did, and others had witnessed him doing this to me. He tried to force sex on me. One time I was trying to fight him off. He became so angry that he tried to break my arms.

I told him over and over the marriage was over, that you can’t fix lies. Even at that point, if he would have been truthful, we still would never have stayed together after all the things he had done. At this point, when he would tell me if I left I would never see my kids again, I just started responding that I didn't care, he could keep the kids. I didn’t mean it, but I had become fed up with him using you kids as a tool against me.

So with all of this stuff going on, why did we move into the church house together?
By that point, I had become so beaten down that I was going to do what ever he wanted, just so he would just leave me alone. But, that didn't last long, because of the way he tried to treat David. Finally, I made the decision that when the school year ended for David, we where going to leave. The plan was to take you and the kids back to Mandan, with the support of my dad. But that never happen.

One night Dean, was ready to attack David. The only reason he was going to abuse David was because he was mad at me, and had wanted to take that out on David in order to hurt me. So, I attacked Dean instead. He was so surprised that he just stopped, and left the room. He called the pastor and lied through his teeth, right in front of me. He had took the whole situation and twisted it with his lies. The pastor told him that he needed to kick me out now, and not to allow me to take the kids. He was the telling the pastor that I was abusing the kids, and that he didn't know what to do. So that night, David and I packed up and left.

While David and I were driving to Mandan, he asked me what is going to happen to us. I reassured him that we would stay with grandpa and grandma, that I would find a job, where I could make enough money to get a place, and that I would get his brothers back. After we got to Mandan though, my mom came out and let me know that David could stay, but that I had to go. I said I didn't have any money; I had no where to go. She said that's to bad, it wasn’t her problem.

Back when we where all still living together in that lil apartment, I had met a little Mexican guy. He was my back up if Dean would kick me out. I knew that Dean would do so sooner or later. He would have to because of the way he trashed me and lied. Eventually people were going to tell him to leave me; why would he want to be with somebody like the person he made me out to be. It would have been pretty stupid to be with someone like that.

The Mexican guy didn’t work out though. He was moving to California. He asked me to go with, but, that was not what I wanted. That is when I met John, and he became my back up plan in case I needed it. I know I am a idiot for doing that, but at that time, I was just in survival mode. ( Edited: I never thought of just relying on myself. I had no self-esteem and my worth came from others, not myself )

I drove back to Minot and found John, in order to give him my sob story. That night I moved in with him. It was just another really bad choice. But he knew someone that could help me get a job. I still had the plan to get a job, to make enough money to get a place of my own, and to get you kids back.

Now, I am only sharing some of the stuff that happened during this time period, as it is to deep and dark that I can't go back and deal with it, nor do I want to. It was a very tough time for me. ( Edited: I will be sharing this in my book, I don't live in that darkness anymore.)

I was living with John, but the only way Dean was even allowing me to see you kids was if I had to have sex with him. My visits with you kids became less and less. I remember times when I was there at the house, and Derek you would cry because Dean told you it was time for bed, but you guys  just wanted to be with me. It would just break my heart. I never came over to you and tried to comfort you, as I knew that after Dean would finally get you guys to bed, it was time for me to pay up.

The night you remember Derek, when you seen Dean beating on me, was the night that I couldn't deal with it anymore. I started crying, and told him I couldn't do this any more. Secretly though, I had a tape recorder and I was recording everything he had said to me so that I would have proof. I just wanted it to stop. It was degrading and humiliating to be treated like a whore.

He realized what I was doing and he beat the crap out me. He couldn't handle even thinking that he was going to get caught. There was a look of terror on his face. After he got the tape recorded away from me, I told him I didn’t care, that I was telling the truth anyway. He said no one would believe me because I was nothing but a whore. I never did tell anyone because I believed no one would believe me.

Eventually, I just quit coming around, until Dean called me to tell me the kids wanted to see me. He said you guys were asking about me everyday and crying. But, I still kept saying no. Then he promised nothing would happen. He just wanted me to see the kids. Deep down, I knew he was lying. But, I wanted to see you kids so badly. So, he came and got me. I had only been at the house for maybe 30 minutes, and I had to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, he came in and locked the door. I instantly started crying because I knew what he was going to do. He raped me. I fought, and soon you guys started to knock on the door. I was trying to holler, but he covered my mouth.

I felt really bad for you guys. You had thought that I was going to spend the day with you. But after that happened, I just had to leave. He raped me, and then he told you kids, “see your mommy doesn’t care about you.” But then he stopped talking because he could see the terror and disbelief I had in my eyes, and he just wanted me out of there.

After that, I went down a very dark road. I drank like there was no tomorrow. Until one night someone seen me at the bar. She said, “Oh my God Sandy, what happened to you?” She said that she didn’t even know the person I had become. Looking me in the eyes, she said there was nothing there.

She did finally coax it out of me, and I told her what happen. She told my family. Then she took me to the police station and I pressed charges against Dean. That is when I went to the abuse shelter, where you joined me. I didn't know they would take you away from your dad.

The abuse shelter had there own lawyer, and he was supposed to help with the case. But he said that he had no expertise in my situation. He advised that I got a criminal  lawyer. Instead, I ended up in court, with no lawyer. Needless to say, I lost and was giving community service for being raped. You kids went back to Dean.

After that I left Minot and went to Mandan. I was so broken I just didn't no what to do.

I do want to point out though that while Dean was raping, beating, and making me perform sexual favors, he was also seeing Caroline. I know this because after I would have to perform for him, he would be on the phone with Caroline, all cheerful because he just got his rocks off. At first I was happy he had found someone, because I thought it meant he would leave me alone. But he didn't.

Even after he was seeing Carolyn, and while I was in Mandan, he continued trying to get me to come back to him. It was so messed up. That's when I told him that I had met someone and we were getting married in September. I had lied, but surely he would leave me alone now. Well, he did. He married Carolyn in August.

When you guys moved to Surrey, I didn't know where you guys had gone. I had to make many calls, and nobody would tell me. I finally begged one of the babysitters you had and pleaded with her, saying that those are my kids. She finally told me. Dean never made it easy for me to see you guys.

Twice, I took him to court because of this. I remember the last, and final time, we went to court. I remember when I came up to get you kids, and Dylan got really sick. He wanted to throw up after getting in the car with me. Dylan was very upset with me that Dean had to pay me $1200.00. Dean had to pay half of my lawyer fees because he was in contempt of court for not allowing me to see you kids. It cost me 3,000.00. Many times when I made plans to see you kids, Dean would do something to stop it. Then I would tell you guys some stupid lie as to why I would not becoming down.  But it had nothing to do with me. It was dean.

I never stopped fighting for you guys. Not having you kids destroyed me. But I never once gave up. You kids are my life.

The sad thing about Dean is that he knew that you kids meant everything to me. Dean has control issues, and I wasn't complying with what he wanted. So he used his children to try to make me comply. But because of everything that happened, he also didn't want you guys to have a relationship with me, as everything I am telling you now is what he never wanted you guys to know. What better way to make sure you guys would never believe then to assassinate my character.

Through the years, I have told him that he needed to tell the truth, that couldn’t he see what he was doing to his kids. I still see how it has effected you guys. I do know one thing for sure, every time I tell him to tell the truth, or he thinks he might get caught in all his lies, he is going to tear me down.

One more thing, then I am done. While Dustin lived with me, Dean and Carolyn bashed Derek and Dylan. You guys where apparently the problem for everything. I knew Dean never took responsibility for his actions, and apparently Carolyn doesn't either. This has hurt your guys’ relationship, just the way it hurt my relationship with my sister, because of what my mom had also done.

Recently, I had to watch Dean throw his own son under the bus. Dean has no shame for what he has done. All he is concerned about is making sure his name stays flawless, above everything else, and if he has to, he will use his kids to take the fall. He ruined our family, not me. He was never the victim, he was and still is the abuser and a coward. Sorry, but that is the Dean I know and came to hate.

I know you might not know what to think, or you might end up even hating me. I just don't know. But I am telling the truth and you guys deserve the truth so that someday you can make peace with the past. Like I have always said, you can't fix lies. Maybe somethings might just start making sense to you, or possibly you are really confused. I just don't.

I know you might not know what to think, or you might end up even hating me. I just don't know. But I am telling the truth and you guys deserve the truth so that someday you can make peace with the past. Like I have always said, you can't fix lies. Maybe somethings might just start making sense to you, or possibly you are really confused. I just don't.

The out come of telling my children the truth. 3 of them in denial and 1 not talking to me. But, months after telling them the truth. The realization came of finding out my granddaughter is be abused by the step grandmother and possible being molested by by the grandfather.

I am working and doing everything to get her out of that situation. Right now my family has completing fallen apart and my kids want nothing to do with me. CPS in South Dakota has been no help at all and I am learning so much how are system is flawed and our children continue to be endanger.

Things have to change and while trying everything to get my granddaughter out of this abusive situation I am learning how some things can and need to change. My mission is to fight for my grand daughter and our children all over the world and the more I learn I will be well equipped to do so.

The Mother of my granddaughter should be fighting for her daughter. But, instead money is influencing her decisions since I cut them off financially. She is totally reliant on the abusers for financial support. She has put money over own daughters safety and continues to subject my granddaughter to the abuse by taking her over to the abusers home. The father has completely stuck is head in the sand. ( There is nothing wrong with money. But sacrificing you integrity for money is wrong. )

It is very sad and if they don't step up to the plate and do what is right they will eventually lose there daughter. And I am talking about when she grows up and realizes the truth and her parents didn't protect her. She will want nothing to do with them, just like I don't want nothing to do with my mother for not protecting me.

Part 1 The abuse endured in my childhood
http://silverschells.blogspot.com/2013/08/part-1-abuse-endured-in-my-childhood.html

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